Scientific Technical Jokes

Technical Jokes:

Scientists were playing hide & seek in heaven.

Einstein was seeker.

Newton didn't hide & stood in a square of 1 meter.

Einstein: I found u Newton !! Thhappa !!!

Newton: U are Wrong.

I am not Newton. As I am standing in 1 mtr square, I am Newton/per mt sq. So I am Pascal.
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Q: What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

A: "You may have graduated but I've got many degrees"
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Did you hear oxygen and magnesium got together?

OMg!
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Did you know Oxygen went on a date with Potassium?

It was OK.
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A photon walks into a hotel. The porter asks, "May I take your bags?" The photon replies "It's fine, thanks. I'm travelling light.
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Atom 1: I just lost an electron.

Atom 2: Are you sure?

Atom 1: I'm positive.

Q:What do you get when you mix 2 iron atoms & cobalt

CoFFee
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: What do you get after reaction of two sodium atoms with a Barium atom...

A BaNaNa
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Q: Why did a scientist install a door knocker?

A: coz he wanted to win a no-bell prize!!!!!!

Boss and Secretary

A boss from a motor company walked into his office one morning, not knowing that his zip was down.

His beautiful secretary walked up to him and asked,

"Boss, this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"

This was not a phrase that her Boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled.

When he was done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped it up and remembered what his secretary had asked him; finally understood.

Then he intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary.

When he reached her desk, he said,

"When you saw the garage door open, did you see my JAGUAR parked in there?"

The secretary smiled for a moment and said,

"No, Boss, I didn't.
All I saw was "A TATA NANO with 2 flat tyres

Girl Vs Mechanical Engineer

A guy asked a girl in a library, “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl answered with a loud voice, “I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOUUU!!!!!”

All of the students in the library started staring at the guy. He was very embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him, “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. Let me guess, you were embarrassed, huh?” The guy responded with a loud voice, “200 DOLLARS FOR ONE NIGHT?!?!?! THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!”

…and all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy leaned over and whispered, “I study Mechanical engineering, and I know how to screw people

Comments On Facebook Status

A Girl's facebook status:-

"Travelled in Bus after long time"

Comments Left by Male friends :-

1) Awww, so sweet..!!!

2) May be nextime will go together sweetie...!!!

3) Wow, i want to experience it..!!!

4) You went without me..?

5) Wonderful dear..!!!

6) Superlike!!!

---

A Boy's facebook status "Travelled in Bus after a long time.."

Comment by boys

1. What shall be do.

2. You can travel in Bus only..!!

3. What is this now you will update your taxi travel also.  

4. Tell your father to get you bicycle atleast.

5. Be the conductor of that bus.!

And the last one is killer

6. You have taken ticket or not..?

Funny.... Leave Applications

See , how people write leave Applications.




It's murder of English language. But Too Funny.

Just Read It.



The Leave Applications;)



Infosys , Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife , please sanction me one-week leave."





This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:



"as I want to shave my son's head , please leave me for two days.."



Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:



"as I am marrying my daughter , please grant a week's leave.."





From H.A.L. Administration Dept:

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it , please grant me 10 days leave."





Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return , please grant me half day casual leave"





An incident of a leave letter:

"I am suffering from fever , please declare one-day holiday."





A leave letter to the headmaster:

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"





Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

"As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for the day."





Covering note:

"I am enclosed herewith..."





Another one:

"Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my below..."





Actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".





Letter writing:-

"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."





A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience , I am applying for the post.

Experience of interview

Interviewer :Let me check your word Power...

Candidate: k Sir .....

Interviewer : Tell me the opposite of .....good.

Candidate: hmmmm..... Bad

Interviewer : Come

Candidate: Go.

Interviewer : Ugly.

Candidate: Pichlli.

Interviewer : PICHLLIIIII?

Candidate: UGLYYYYYYYYY..

Interviewer : Shut Up.

Candidate: Keep Talking.

Interviewer k now stop these all..

Candidate: now carry on this all

Interviewer :abe...chup ho ja..chup ho ja..chup ho jaaaa

Candidate:abe bolta rah..bolta rah..bolta rahhh

Interviewer :Areeee yaaar

Candidate: areeee dushmannnnnn

Interviewer : Get Out.

Candidate: Come In.

Interviewer : Oh my God.

Banta : Oh my Devil.

Interviewer : U r Rejected.

Candidate: I m selected...Thank u thank u sir

Girl Friend Vs Wife

Gi rlfriend 5.0 to Wi fe 1.0 Dear Tech Support Team: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities. Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, "A Troubled User" REPLY: Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that people complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!! ! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony- Child Support) .. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0 STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortS kirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Office ki Shero Shyari

Boss:
Arz kiya hai.........

Office may Kaam hote hain...
Galtiyon ka sama hota hai....
Aise mausam mein hi to PERFORMANCE jawan hota hai....
Dil ki khunnas BOSS jabaan se nahi kehte...
Ye fasana to appraisal mein bayan hota hai....

Employee's reply...

Arz kiya hai.........
Appraisal hote hain...
Disappointment ka sama hota hai...
Aise mausam mein hi to Attrition jawan hota hai....
Dil ki khunnas HUM jabaan se nahi kehte...
Ye fasana to resignation se bayan hota hai.... (Wah wah ... wah wah ... wah wah ...)

Definitions of designations

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.

9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby.

10) HR is a person who thinks that a donkey can deliver a human baby if given 9 months

Great Leave Letters from Techies

I hope you enjoy these leave applications. Cheers!



See , how people write leave Applications.




It's murder of English language. But Too Funny.


Just Read It.



The Leave Applications;)




Infosys , Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:



'Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife ,
please sanction me one-week leave.'




This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the
'mundan' ceremony of his 10 year old son:



'as I want to shave my son's head , please leave me for two days..'



Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing
his daughter's wedding:



'as I am marrying my daughter , please grant a week's leave..'


From H.A.L. Administration Dept:



'As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it ,
please grant me 10 days leave.'




Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:



'Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not
return , please grant me half day casual leave'





An incident of a leave letter:



'I am suffering from fever , please declare one-day holiday.'


A leave letter to the headmaster:



'As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request
you to leave me today'





Another leave letter written to the headmaster:



'As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for the day.'


Covering note:



'I am enclosed herewith...'



Another one:



'Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my below...'



Actual letter written for application of leave:



'My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home
I may be granted leave'.


Letter writing:-



'I am well here and hope you are also in the same well.'



A candidate's job application:



'This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an
Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several
years and I can handle both with good experience , I am applying for the
post.


I hope you enjoy these leave applications. Cheers!



See , how people write leave Applications.

Ultimate Leave Letters

1. A student's leave letter:

"As I am suffering from my uncle's marriage I cannot attend the class....."

2. A candidate's application:"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist And an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past Several years and I can handle both; I am applying for the post."

3. I.T.I., Lahore: An employee applied for leave as follows:Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one-week leave.

4. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clocks and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

5. A leave letter to the headmaster:"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

6. An incident of a leave letter:"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

7. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.

8. A covering note:"I am enclosed herewith..."

9. From H.A.L. Administration dept:As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, Please grant me 10 days leave.

10. Actual letter written for application of leave:"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband At home I may be granted leave".

11. Letter writing:"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

12. Another gem from I.T.I. Leave-letter from an employee who wasPerforming his daughter's wedding:"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.

Keep yourself updated with Technology

Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market.

One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood

( the woodcutter and the axe )

He started praying to the River Goddess. The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river.

As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match box and asked, "

Is this your computer ?

" Disappointed by the Goddess' lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, " No."

She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his.
Annoyed, the engineer said "

No, not at all !!"

Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his.
The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes."

The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her, "Don't you know that you're supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own ?"

The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, "I know that, you stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM !". So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium!!