Scientific Technical Jokes

Technical Jokes:

Scientists were playing hide & seek in heaven.

Einstein was seeker.

Newton didn't hide & stood in a square of 1 meter.

Einstein: I found u Newton !! Thhappa !!!

Newton: U are Wrong.

I am not Newton. As I am standing in 1 mtr square, I am Newton/per mt sq. So I am Pascal.
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Q: What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

A: "You may have graduated but I've got many degrees"
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Did you hear oxygen and magnesium got together?

OMg!
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Did you know Oxygen went on a date with Potassium?

It was OK.
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A photon walks into a hotel. The porter asks, "May I take your bags?" The photon replies "It's fine, thanks. I'm travelling light.
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Atom 1: I just lost an electron.

Atom 2: Are you sure?

Atom 1: I'm positive.

Q:What do you get when you mix 2 iron atoms & cobalt

CoFFee
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: What do you get after reaction of two sodium atoms with a Barium atom...

A BaNaNa
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Q: Why did a scientist install a door knocker?

A: coz he wanted to win a no-bell prize!!!!!!

Boss and Secretary

A boss from a motor company walked into his office one morning, not knowing that his zip was down.

His beautiful secretary walked up to him and asked,

"Boss, this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"

This was not a phrase that her Boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled.

When he was done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped it up and remembered what his secretary had asked him; finally understood.

Then he intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary.

When he reached her desk, he said,

"When you saw the garage door open, did you see my JAGUAR parked in there?"

The secretary smiled for a moment and said,

"No, Boss, I didn't.
All I saw was "A TATA NANO with 2 flat tyres

Best One Liners

Great one liners:

1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.

7. Born free, taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork..

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.

21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

25. Someday is not a day of the week

26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.

28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.

29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

Indian State With Highest English Speaking Population

Which State in India has highest English speaking population?

Answer : Before 8 pm. -- Kerala
After 8 pm ---- Punjab

For communication skills,
U don't need any classes....
Only glasses.

Girl Vs Mechanical Engineer

A guy asked a girl in a library, “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl answered with a loud voice, “I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOUUU!!!!!”

All of the students in the library started staring at the guy. He was very embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him, “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. Let me guess, you were embarrassed, huh?” The guy responded with a loud voice, “200 DOLLARS FOR ONE NIGHT?!?!?! THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!”

…and all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy leaned over and whispered, “I study Mechanical engineering, and I know how to screw people

Take Care While Praying In Foreign Country

In case of an emergency, speak only in English !!

Never say prayers in any other language!

You never know what kind of translation problem u can run into :)

An Indian in the US suffered a heart attack on the road and was picked up by an ambulance.

Being religious, he kept repeating - Hari Om, Hari Om, Hari Om.

When the ambulance pulled into his home, his wife came out and screamed to the paramedics:
'Why didn't you take him straight to the hospital?'

They replied "Because he kept saying,
'Hurry home Hurry home Hurry home!'

Beware of Smart Girls

One of the smart answer.. . On a flight, a guy asked to a beautiful lady sitting just next to him... 'Nice perfume.....which one is it?...i want to gift it to my wife...!!' Lady 'Don't give her....some idiot will find an excuse to talk to her...!'

Mechanic And Doctor

A mechanic was removing the engine parts from a motorcycle,when he saw famous heart surgeon in his shop.. He called the surgeon n said.. "Look at this engine... I opened its heart,took the valves out, repaired and put them back"...So why do I get such a small salary and u get such a huge sum.... The doctor smiled at the mechanic and came close 2 his ear and said.... "Try the same when the engine is running.".

New Medical Dictionary

*Antibody : Against everybody *Artery : Study of fine paintings *Genes : Blue denims *Labour pain : Hurt at work *Liposuction : French kiss *Microbes : Small dressing gowns *Cardiology : Advanced study of playing cards *Cat scan : Searching lost cat *Coma : Punctuation mark *Bacteria : Back door to cafeteria.

Inspirational Quote For Students

With Exam times round the corner...

Have read a lot of inspirational quotes but nothing inspires anyone more than this:

"With every wrong answer that you write in your exam paper ... your future honeymoon shifts from Mauritius to Mahabaleshwar." 

Auditor's At Height

After the war, Hanumanji submitted his Travel Allowance Bill for his official tour for collecting Sanjeevani Booti to Ayodhya administration.

The Auditor in Bill Section raised 3 objections :

(1) Hanumanji did not take prior permission of the appropriate authority (Bharat), the King of Ayodhya, during the relevant time for his travel

(2) Hanumanji being Grade 2-officer was not entitled to air travel;

(3) Hanumanji was asked to bring Sanjeevani Booti, just a single plant, but he carried a whole mountain (unauthorized excess baggage).

The Auditor returned the bill.

King Ram could do nothing except mark it down for re-examination. A worried Laxman approached the Auditor and offered a bribe of 20% of the T.A.Bill amount.

The Auditor now wrote on the Bill : Re-examined :

1. Even during the relevant time, Ram was still the king through his Paduka.

2. Further in an emergency, non-entitled officers can be authorized ex-post facto to fly.

3. Also excess baggage is justified as bringing a wrong plant would have entailed multiple journeys with extr a cost; hence bill may be paid.

Ram ji shocked

Auditor Rocks

Don't Be Over smart

In a factory: A man standing on the floor and looking aimlessly...... CEO of that factory came and asked his salary... Man replied "5000 sir" CEO took out his wallet and gave 15000 and told him... "I pay people here to work and not to waste time, This is your 3 months salary. Now get out of here. Never come back" That guy left............. . . . . . . . Then CEO asked workers "Who was that guy?" Workers replied "Pizza delivery Boy Sir"..  Moral: Don't overreact in every situation! 

Mix Jokes

Tv reporter ne zakhmi se pucha," JAB BOMB GIRA to kya vo zor se phata?"

Zakhmi - Nahin haramzade, woh Rengta hua mere paas aaya aur sharma k bola, "Paaji..... THAAA"


ALL Happy Husbands Behave Like Amir Khan In Ghajini -
Biwi Ki Sunte Hain,
Samajhte Hain,

Aur.
15 Minute Ke Baad Sab BhooL Jaate Hain...

What a Great New Generation it is!!
5 year old son was crying.
Dad came & asked
Why are you crying ? Tell me I'm your friend naa..
Son: Kuch nahi yaar.. Zara sa Horlicks kya nahi piya, teri ITEM bhadak gayi !!!

Husband: Yaar, main koi bhi Kaam karta hu to meri Biwi bich main aa jati hai.
Dost: yaar, tu truck Chalaa kar dekh, shaayad qismat saath de de! GM !


Roni apni bakri ko bus mein le jane laga.
Conducter ne mana kar dia.
Roni bakri ko burka pehna k bus mein le gaya.
Conducter ko bola:'Ye meri naani hai, budhaape ki wajah se jhuk gai hai'.
Kuchh der bad bakri ne potty kar di.Paas betha Moni bola
'0ye . teri naani ki rudraaksha ki maala toot gai.

Papa to Son: "maths vich fail kyu hoya"..
Son: 1st day teacher kendi 5+3=8..
Agle din kendi 6+2=8..
fir kendi 4+4=8
ullu di pathi khud confusd hai menu ki padaeygi..


Mom to Children :- Jo meri baat maanega aur muze ulta jawab nahi dega, usko main Gift dungi
Children :- Lo kar lo baat is tarah to saare gift Papa hi le jaayenge ...


Sir: Define Energy ?
Person: Sir pura nai aata hain, thoda last ka pata hain, bas.
Sir: Thik hain, jitna aata hain utna bolo.
Person: "and this is called Energy......"


Salesman: Sir, cockroach k liye powder loge kya?
Person: " Nahi, hum cockroach ko itna laad-pyar nahi karte! Aaj powder laga denge to kal sala DEO mangega!!
Salesman Fainted !!

Funny Fellow - All time gr8s

Sugar Test

Funny Fellow enters kitchen, opens sugar box, looks inside and closes it. This he does again and again. Why? Because the doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.


Funny Fellows and scooter
Three Funny Fellows were going on a scooter. Traffic police showed them his hand.
One of the Funny Fellows told: We are already three, sorry, there is no space.


Lion and Funny Fellows
Two Funny Fellows were in a forest, when a lion came roaring towards them. One of them throws sand into its eyes, and runs. Second one stays unmoved. When asked why he is not running, another Funny Fellow tells: "Why should I be running? It is you who has thrown the sand

Cyclone
Bank manager asks Funny Fellow in an interview: "What is cyclone" Funny Fellow: "It is the loan given to purchase a cycle"


Side Effects
He wanted to avoid side effects!

Bus tickets
Bus conductor: Ticket, ticket
Funny Fellow: Give two tickets
Conductor: Why two?
Funny Fellow: If I lose one, another will be there
Conductor: What if you lose both?
Funny Fellow: No problem, I have pass...

Advice
A famous Funny Fellow's declaration to the media: "I will never marry in my
life. And I will advise the same to my children too"

Oxygen
Teacher: Oxygen is very essential to life. It was discovered in 1773
Funny Fellow: Thank God!! I was born after 1773. Had I born earlier, I would have died...

Skeleton (This is Killer)
Interviewer: What is a skeleton?
Funny Fellow: Sir, skeleton is a person who started dieting, but forgot to stop it!!. 

Take care of your Children education

Funny.... Leave Applications

See , how people write leave Applications.




It's murder of English language. But Too Funny.

Just Read It.



The Leave Applications;)



Infosys , Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife , please sanction me one-week leave."





This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:



"as I want to shave my son's head , please leave me for two days.."



Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:



"as I am marrying my daughter , please grant a week's leave.."





From H.A.L. Administration Dept:

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it , please grant me 10 days leave."





Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return , please grant me half day casual leave"





An incident of a leave letter:

"I am suffering from fever , please declare one-day holiday."





A leave letter to the headmaster:

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"





Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

"As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for the day."





Covering note:

"I am enclosed herewith..."





Another one:

"Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my below..."





Actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".





Letter writing:-

"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."





A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience , I am applying for the post.

Experience of interview

Interviewer :Let me check your word Power...

Candidate: k Sir .....

Interviewer : Tell me the opposite of .....good.

Candidate: hmmmm..... Bad

Interviewer : Come

Candidate: Go.

Interviewer : Ugly.

Candidate: Pichlli.

Interviewer : PICHLLIIIII?

Candidate: UGLYYYYYYYYY..

Interviewer : Shut Up.

Candidate: Keep Talking.

Interviewer k now stop these all..

Candidate: now carry on this all

Interviewer :abe...chup ho ja..chup ho ja..chup ho jaaaa

Candidate:abe bolta rah..bolta rah..bolta rahhh

Interviewer :Areeee yaaar

Candidate: areeee dushmannnnnn

Interviewer : Get Out.

Candidate: Come In.

Interviewer : Oh my God.

Banta : Oh my Devil.

Interviewer : U r Rejected.

Candidate: I m selected...Thank u thank u sir