Technical Jokes:
Scientists were playing hide & seek in heaven.
Einstein was seeker.
Newton didn't hide & stood in a square of 1 meter.
Einstein: I found u Newton !! Thhappa !!!
Newton: U are Wrong.
I am not Newton.
As I am standing in 1 mtr square, I am Newton/per mt sq.
So I am Pascal.
-----------------------------
Q: What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
A: "You may have graduated but I've got many degrees"
--------------------------
Did you hear oxygen and magnesium got together?
OMg!
----------------------------
Did you know Oxygen went on a date with Potassium?
It was OK.
-------------------------------
A photon walks into a hotel. The porter asks, "May I take your bags?" The photon replies "It's fine, thanks. I'm travelling light.
-----------------------------
Atom 1: I just lost an electron.
Atom 2: Are you sure?
Atom 1: I'm positive.
Q:What do you get when you mix 2 iron atoms & cobalt
CoFFee
------------------------------
: What do you get after reaction of two sodium atoms with a Barium atom...
A BaNaNa
-----------------------------
Q: Why did a scientist install a door knocker?
A: coz he wanted to win a no-bell prize!!!!!!
Showing posts with label Office Office. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Office Office. Show all posts
Wednesday
Thursday
Boss and Secretary
A boss from a motor company walked into his office one morning, not knowing that his zip was down.
His beautiful secretary walked up to him and asked,
"Boss, this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"
This was not a phrase that her Boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled.
When he was done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped it up and remembered what his secretary had asked him; finally understood.
Then he intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary.
When he reached her desk, he said,
"When you saw the garage door open, did you see my JAGUAR parked in there?"
The secretary smiled for a moment and said,
"No, Boss, I didn't.
All I saw was "A TATA NANO with 2 flat tyres
His beautiful secretary walked up to him and asked,
"Boss, this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"
This was not a phrase that her Boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled.
When he was done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped it up and remembered what his secretary had asked him; finally understood.
Then he intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary.
When he reached her desk, he said,
"When you saw the garage door open, did you see my JAGUAR parked in there?"
The secretary smiled for a moment and said,
"No, Boss, I didn't.
All I saw was "A TATA NANO with 2 flat tyres
Best One Liners
Great one liners:
1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork..
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork..
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
Saturday
Girl Vs Mechanical Engineer
A guy asked a girl in a library, “Do
you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl answered with a loud voice, “I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOUUU!!!!!”
All of the students in the library started staring at the guy. He was very embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him, “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. Let me guess, you were embarrassed, huh?” The guy responded with a loud voice, “200 DOLLARS FOR ONE NIGHT?!?!?! THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!”
…and all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy leaned over and whispered, “I study Mechanical engineering, and I know how to screw people
The girl answered with a loud voice, “I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOUUU!!!!!”
All of the students in the library started staring at the guy. He was very embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him, “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. Let me guess, you were embarrassed, huh?” The guy responded with a loud voice, “200 DOLLARS FOR ONE NIGHT?!?!?! THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!”
…and all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy leaned over and whispered, “I study Mechanical engineering, and I know how to screw people
Friday
Pappu's Offer
Pappu, walked into a Bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bar man,
”Please give me half chicken tandoori and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, bcoz when I eat, I want everyone to eat!”
Bar man processed his request and gave him his meal and everyone else their meals.
When they finished enjoying their meal he shouted for another order,
”Give me a bottle of Champagne and give everybody else a bottle of Johnny Walker Black, bcoz when I drink, I want everybody to drink!”
Everyone was happy and singing praises, saying Pappu is “The Man”.
When Pappu finished his drink he shouted again:
“Give me my bill and give everyone else their own bill, bcoz when I pay, I want everyone to pay ”. . .
Pappu's funeral is tomorrow
”Please give me half chicken tandoori and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, bcoz when I eat, I want everyone to eat!”
Bar man processed his request and gave him his meal and everyone else their meals.
When they finished enjoying their meal he shouted for another order,
”Give me a bottle of Champagne and give everybody else a bottle of Johnny Walker Black, bcoz when I drink, I want everybody to drink!”
Everyone was happy and singing praises, saying Pappu is “The Man”.
When Pappu finished his drink he shouted again:
“Give me my bill and give everyone else their own bill, bcoz when I pay, I want everyone to pay ”. . .
Pappu's funeral is tomorrow
Take Care While Praying In Foreign Country
In case of an emergency, speak only in English !!
Never say prayers in any other language!
You never know what kind of translation problem u can run into :)
An Indian in the US suffered a heart attack on the road and was picked up by an ambulance.
Being religious, he kept repeating - Hari Om, Hari Om, Hari Om.
When the ambulance pulled into his home, his wife came out and screamed to the paramedics:
'Why didn't you take him straight to the hospital?'
They replied "Because he kept saying,
'Hurry home Hurry home Hurry home!'
Never say prayers in any other language!
You never know what kind of translation problem u can run into :)
An Indian in the US suffered a heart attack on the road and was picked up by an ambulance.
Being religious, he kept repeating - Hari Om, Hari Om, Hari Om.
When the ambulance pulled into his home, his wife came out and screamed to the paramedics:
'Why didn't you take him straight to the hospital?'
They replied "Because he kept saying,
'Hurry home Hurry home Hurry home!'
Thursday
Jokes At Extreme
1) Crazy Heights Of Jokes
2) Laziness?
Asking lift for morning walk.
3) Craziness?
Get blank paper xerox.
4) Honesty?
Pregnant woman taking 2 tickets.
5) De-hydration?
Cow giving milk powder.
6) Hope?
A 99 yr. Old woman going for 295/-recharge to get lifetime incoming.
7) Stupidity?
Looking through key hole of a glass door.
8) Suicide attempt?
A dwarf jumps from the footpath on the road.
Friday
Sunday
RJ's Beware of Such Callers
Ramu calls up The Radio Station
Ramu : Hello is this the Radio Station?
RJ : Yes sir! You are our first caller! Congratulations! Your name?
Ramu : Yeah I'm Ramu. Is this the morning show with Karan? Am I audible to the whole city?
RJ : Haan sir! The whole city can hear You!
Ramu : My sister is at home and she is listening to the radio. Can she hear my voice ?
RJ : Yeah! Obvious! Sir tell me what msg You wanna convey?
Ramu: Hey Padma if You can hear my voice, plz go switch on the pump! I'm in the toilet in the room upstairs and there's no water here! I called your cell it's switched off! I had no other option
RJ : What the hell?
Friday
Mechanic And Doctor
A mechanic was removing the engine parts from a motorcycle,when he saw famous heart surgeon in his shop..
He called the surgeon n said.. "Look at this engine... I opened its heart,took the valves out, repaired and put them back"...So why do I get such a small salary and u get such a huge sum....
The doctor smiled at the mechanic and came close 2 his ear and said....
"Try the same when the engine is running.".
Wednesday
Saturday
Haryanvi Bhai At His Best
Haryanvi called his mobile service customer care:
"Re maari bhains ne Sim khaa li aur bhaag gi..."
Customer Care Executive (irritated):
"to main ke karoo?"
Haryanvi replied:
"rey baavle, tu mane yo bataa ki Roaming to naa lagegi?..."
Friday
Tuesday
Auditor's At Height
After the war, Hanumanji submitted his Travel Allowance Bill for his official tour for collecting Sanjeevani Booti to Ayodhya administration.
The Auditor in Bill Section raised 3 objections :
(1) Hanumanji did not take prior permission of the appropriate authority (Bharat), the King of Ayodhya, during the relevant time for his travel
(2) Hanumanji being Grade 2-officer was not entitled to air travel;
(3) Hanumanji was asked to bring Sanjeevani Booti, just a single plant, but he carried a whole mountain (unauthorized excess baggage).
The Auditor returned the bill.
King Ram could do nothing except mark it down for re-examination. A worried Laxman approached the Auditor and offered a bribe of 20% of the T.A.Bill amount.
The Auditor now wrote on the Bill : Re-examined :
1. Even during the relevant time, Ram was still the king through his Paduka.
2. Further in an emergency, non-entitled officers can be authorized ex-post facto to fly.
3. Also excess baggage is justified as bringing a wrong plant would have entailed multiple journeys with extr a cost; hence bill may be paid.
Ram ji shocked
Auditor Rocks
Monday
Don't Be Over smart
In a factory: A man standing on the floor and looking aimlessly......
CEO of that factory came and asked his salary...
Man replied "5000 sir"
CEO took out his wallet and gave 15000 and told him...
"I pay people here to work and not to waste time, This is your 3 months salary.
Now get out of here. Never come back"
That guy left.............
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Then CEO asked workers "Who was that guy?"
Workers replied "Pizza delivery Boy Sir"..
Moral: Don't overreact in every situation!
Wednesday
Beware Office Phone Users
The phone bill was exceptionally high. Man called a family meeting to discuss.
Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use home phone, I use my work phone.
Mum: Me too. I hardly use home phone. I use my companies phone
Son: I use my office mobile, I never use the home phone.
All of them shocked and together look at the maid who's patiently listening to them.
Maid: "What? So we all use our work phones. What's the Big deal??
Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use home phone, I use my work phone.
Mum: Me too. I hardly use home phone. I use my companies phone
Son: I use my office mobile, I never use the home phone.
All of them shocked and together look at the maid who's patiently listening to them.
Maid: "What? So we all use our work phones. What's the Big deal??
Monday
Experience of interview
Interviewer :Let me check your word Power...
Candidate: k Sir .....
Interviewer : Tell me the opposite of .....good.
Candidate: hmmmm..... Bad
Interviewer : Come
Candidate: Go.
Interviewer : Ugly.
Candidate: Pichlli.
Interviewer : PICHLLIIIII?
Candidate: UGLYYYYYYYYY..
Interviewer : Shut Up.
Candidate: Keep Talking.
Interviewer k now stop these all..
Candidate: now carry on this all
Interviewer :abe...chup ho ja..chup ho ja..chup ho jaaaa
Candidate:abe bolta rah..bolta rah..bolta rahhh
Interviewer :Areeee yaaar
Candidate: areeee dushmannnnnn
Interviewer : Get Out.
Candidate: Come In.
Interviewer : Oh my God.
Banta : Oh my Devil.
Interviewer : U r Rejected.
Candidate: I m selected...Thank u thank u sir
Wednesday
Girl Friend Vs Wife
|
Monday
Engineers-it's height
Understanding Engineers - One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
Understanding Engineers - Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's wrong with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Five
The graduate with a science degree asks," Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers - Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers - Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers - Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
Understanding Engineers - Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's wrong with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Five
The graduate with a science degree asks," Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers - Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers - Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers - Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Wednesday
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